APHORISMS
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO  SERIOUSLY

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist- they don't expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
• How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
• What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that. What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
• Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
• Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
• Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off
• Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
• Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
• Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
• If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
• Do unto others, then run!
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether
• . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
• My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
• Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
• Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
• I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
• Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
• All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
• Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
• My Reality Check bounced.
• I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
• Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
• Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
• Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
• Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.