CAT-PROOFING

Like God keeps His eye upon the sparrow,
I keep my eye upon the cat,
For unlike the little sparrow,
I'm not sure just where she's at.

She knows the couch is out of bounds,
Yet invariably she goes there,
She ignores the yellow warning tape
I've wound around it, in despair.

I know she likes electric cords,
She pulls them from the wall.
I've told her fifty million times
THAT'S NOT ALLOWED AT ALL!

The wires are rewired now
To shriek like fire sirens
If she so much as puts a paw
Anywhere near their environs.

She treats the kitchen counter
As a fun place on which to glide,
Though it's purposely lubricated
To make her slip and slide.

When I booby-trapped the cupboards,
I thought, "A-ha! I've stopped her now!"
But fearlessly she enters,
And does not blow up, somehow.

Some cat owners keep baskets
Of balls of yarn upon the floor.
My basket's filled with hand grenades
Which she bats around 'til she gets bored.

Alternate pencils on my desktop
On impact will explode.
She always kicks the safe ones off.
How ever does she know?

When I open up the door a crack,
She manages to flee.
It does no good to shut her in,
I may as well give her the key.

There's nothing wrong with cat food.
It's made special, just for cats.
But she wants steak and baked potato.
GET DOWN! GET OFF MY TABLEMAT!

Just once I'd like to wear a dress
Not accessorized with cat hair,
But plastic bags do not protect.
How does she get inside there?

I firmly speak; my voice is loud,
Sometimes I fairly SHOUT!
But, somehow her cat meows
Are loud enough to drown me out.

I tell her time and time again,
CUT OUT THAT LOOKING CUTE!
It would help so much when I yell at her
If she looked more like a brute.

Her attention span is not too long --
Just long enough to drive me wild
I'm convinced she had some lessons
From a clever, spoiled child.

I have a knife. I have a gun,
I can even wear disguise,
But I am disarmed by her feline charm
When I meet her big cat eyes.

Oh, I suppose it is a tradeoff,
And I do get some relief,
Like when she's curled up on the couch
Behind the yellow tape, asleep.

I think to master cat control
Is a fine, accomplished art.
I've learned I can cat-proof my house,
But I can't cat-proof my heart.