Church Humor

• Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
• Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
• A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
• On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
• During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"
• A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
• A woman was at the beach with her children when her four-year-old son ran up, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," she replied. The child thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
• Bill Keane, creator of the "Family Circus" cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
• After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, but why? "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
• My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
• There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK—FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptised!
• No God—No Peace. Know God—Know Peace.
• Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!
• Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins'.
• An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."
• People are like tea bags—you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
• Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.
• Fight truth decay—study the Bible daily.
• How will you spend eternity—Smoking or Non-Smoking?
• Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
• Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
• It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
• If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
• Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal Fire Insurance soon.
• A ch__ch is a church when U R in it.
• If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.