Divine Press Release
What if ... and aren't you glad it isn't
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair
with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman,
known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son"
last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim
that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking
about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his
child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this
story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub
immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation
to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child
through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little
to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate,
that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of
a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already
been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts
that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel
of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was
quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove
to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which
has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments
for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting
of a series of 10 "Commandments" which has been introduced in Congress in
a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks
any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.