Alternative Sermon on the Mount

The other sermon on the mount:

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are they who mourn.

Blessed are the merciful.

Blessed are they who thirst for justice.

Blessed are you who are persecuted.

Blessed are you when you suffer.

Be glad and rejoice for your reward in heaven is great.

Then Simon Peter said, Do we have to write this down?
And Andrew said, Do we have to turn it in?
And James said, Does spelling count?
And Phillip said, Will this be on the test?
And Bartholomew said, What if we don't know it?
And John said, The other disciples didn't have to learn this!
And Matthew said, When do we get out of here?
And Judas said, What does this have to do with real life?
And the other disciples likewise.

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus his terminal objective in the cognitive domain.

And Jesus wept.