What My Mother Taught Me

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside --I just finished cleaning!"
• My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
• My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
• My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
• My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
• My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
• My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- Don't exaggerate!!!"
• My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
• My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"